My Version of Twilight
by ZachFitzyBoy101
Summary: It's pretty weird. I'm not sure if I should continue. Also, it's MOSTLY Twilight, but part of Edward's past (which I will make a story out of) includes some Harry Potter. For all wazzocks and Twilight haters. Enjoy! Rated M just incase...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I know only this much of Twilight Saga because of my sister. Plus, if you don't like really weird stuff or you like Twilight, this story might not be for you.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Twilight, but I wish I did so I could morph the story into something more worth everyone's time.

Edward's POV

Okay, so, right now I'm picking my nose while sitting in Carlisle's study. I haven't a clue how I got here or when I got here. So...yeah.

Emmett's showering with Esme (only does so because she loves to shave his arse for him) and Jasper is taking footage of it.

Jasper is really into pornography and loves posting stuff on Youtube. I like to watch his creations when he's finished with them. My favorite was when he got footage of Alice and my girlfriend, Bella, taking turns with this Alaskan huskee named Jacob. Bella ALWAYS is busy with Jacob's stick. It's a little annoying that I got castrated.

The video was actually disturbing. I like disturbing, though. This guy in another dimension, Tom Poetry or Moldywart, had his little servent dude kill me with a stick he pulled off a branch.

My name WAS Cedric Diggherpussy, but this guy I mentioned earlier, Carlisle Felon, gave me a hickey. It backfired and SOMEHOW I transformed into a vampire. I'll tell you about myself later on.

Vampires can only drink piss. Otherwise, we lose control and start doing the disco.

Oh, there's these guys I haven't mentioned. They're called the Voltures. They are kind of like birds. Well, actually, they ARE birds. They are ugly and have wings and they swoop in and kill you.

The only way to die is to be fed shit. Usually, the Voltures have a large supply so they can easily kill us all. All they do is kill.

They recruit other pillocks that they think have potential. I know they have this one named Phoenix, who, by God, DOES have some sort of bloody potential.

You see, Phoenix is a Fenix and so he can heal wounds and stuff. Yup. Pretty amazing.

Anyways, we have these cousins from Denali, Alaska, who are all rich because they created the first breed of huskee. Jacob is their first bred.

Speaking of bread, I'm pretty hungry right now; hungry for some sex sandwich. I'll go see if Bella can take time away from her dog-riding with Alice. Goodbye.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I do realise that I'm allowing the horse to go fast and not taking control of the reins, but I got a review saying how great the story is and I want to continue no matter how many reviews I recieve.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Twilight Saga, Stephany (Stephany? Stephanie? STEPHAN?) Meyer (I think that's correct...), or any of her gitty characters. But, I would like to use FanFiction to create a more SUBTLE story. :)

Jasper's POV

Hello there. So, I'm Jasper and I don't know if you know yet, but I am VERY into porn and I'm filming Esme and Emmett in the shower.

It's quite fascinating, really, the way they move and such. I especially like when the wash one another's "down there". Esme is always sure to get enough soap in her mouth before clensing.

Anyways, Edweird likes my pornography. He's always sure to find time in his busy schedule of nose-picking to watch my creations.

I believe his favorite one is of Bella, Alice, and Jacob the Alaskan huskee doing some strange movements in a hedge. Not my favorite, but not my least.

My favorite is of Arodynamics and Creecher doing a jig. It ends in Checkmarcus swooping down on them and laying a grotty egg inside Arodynamics's beak. Pretty wazzocky.

Oh, that reminds me of this one particular time when Carlisle and I went outside to collect firewood when Carlisle saw a rainbow and he started blubbering "Rainblow! Rainblow! Rainblow! Gah gee googoo! RainBLOW!"

I have no clue as to why The Egg incident reminded me of something like this, but it did. So...deal with it.

Did I tell you about my crush on Crane, an actual crane?

Well, Crane is part of the Voltures. She has a death glare. One glimpse in her eyes will make your dick want to crawl up and inside you.

Well, actually, for ME it makes mine want to crawl up her feathery pussy. Oh BLOODY yeah!

I have to go now because the shower just ended. Emmett's arse is smooth and BRILLIANT! I might make a video of it...


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hello! This is my next chapter for my version of Twilight Saga. I really do think that this story is much more brilliant than the ACTUAL Saga.

Disclaimer: NOT the owner of these manky characters.

Emmett's POV

So, here I am, in the shower with Esme, awaiting my arse shaving. I could do with a new wig by now.

Esme enjoys bringing shears to me, and I only grow hair down there so I have to use that hair that gets sheared to make me something to wear upon my head.

Jasper likes pornography and loves filming Esme and I in the shower. He says to me, he says "You two should get in the whirlpool washbin once in your lives."

I responded with "Uh...are you THAT MUCH of an eerjit? My fur will keep floating around us in the tub!"

Jasper only looked at me as if I belonged in an asylum. Like Alice.

"Hey, mon. I'm done wichor backside, mon." Esme just now said.

Well, I got to go now. Don't be a git!

Me: Very short? Yes! Did you enjoy it? I hope so!


End file.
